What if...

Spent some time with him today... Suppose to watch Chicken Little then after that go home for chicken soup... But decided not to watch in the end.. Then went to the bus stop, and I kinda was affected by some small matter.. Was all happy and cheery till don't know why at one point, like i just fell into a deep well.. Haiz...

Was just pondering on the way home, like what would my future be like, what would happen to me, if i never exist in this world would i make of any difference or what..
Seriously, I myself also have no idea why i suddenly though of this topic... Weird..

When i reached home, I was watching the 9pm show and the 10pm show... Like the story line today all very sad.. Man dump a girl for another woman... So sad and hurting.. Things then just started to run through my mind, relating similar incidents to the story line... Felt a gush of fear and insecurity... Not once that these has ever happened, but thrice... Well, guess most of the time things just don't go the way you want them to be.. Having this strong urge to cry and let it all out, but apparently it is not possible as most of the time, i just have to put up a false front... Like who doesn't right..

Loosing the inner self in me, as it seems that i am one who does not have beauty, be it inner or outer.. Sometimes, or i rather say most of the times, I don't understand why i am not comparable to others whom to me seems so "non-threatening"... Maybe this is just part of life to gain experinces and to learn from them too..

It is times like this when i have this tendency to compare, like why do my close friends get guys that are so into them, whereas for me, are those normal ones... I don't mind them at all, but just wonder why when a girl is good to a guy, the guys just don't really appreciate it.. In fact, guys prefer girls who are mean and fierce to them, then they will listen to them... How ironic can this get... Hahaz...

The fear of loosing is strong, like i am about to die from this battle... Loosing my position, my will, my strength and everything else.. Love is definitely the strongest pillar of support in a person's life.. Maybe i am paranoid, maybe i am right.. But all i hope for now is just the strength to carry on no matter what happens... Especially if my largest pillar of support ever breaks apart...

Well, shall end here today... What a negative side of me... Did not ever expected myself to write such a long post and such a negative one too... Haiz... Bye...